These should get you laughing. We had to cut a few of the more outrageous pictures since they weren’t work friendly.
“Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle… when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.”
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, “Woof!”
The other replies, “Moo!”
The dog is perplexed. “Moo? Why did you say ‘Moo’?”
The other dog says, “I’m trying to learn a foreign language.”
My Labrador retriever had a nervous breakdown. I kept throwing him a boomerang.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
French fries kill more people than guns and sharks, yet nobody’s afraid of French fries.
We provoke a shark every time we enter the water where sharks happen to be, for we forget: The ocean is not our territory – it’s theirs.
If by chance some day you’re not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I’ve said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
That awkward moment when you’ve already said ‘what?’ 3 times and still have no idea what the other person said, so you just agree!
You’re about as pleasant as an itchy butthole.
What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.
My mood depends on how good my hair looks.
The smarter the woman is the more difficult it is to find the right man.
After watching copious amounts of crime drams I’ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I tried to get my dog to practice safe sex. But he keeps licking the condoms off.
If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one finger.
The flush toilet, more than any single invention, has ‘civilized’ us in a way that religion and law could never accomplish.
Hand towels are to be used by guests only.
If you are not a guest,
please dry your hands on your clothes !!
I don’t know how people get eaten by sharks..I mean how do you not hear the music?
A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things – a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, and sex on the beach.
I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar.
It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts.
As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.”
So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my giraffe.”
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back.
Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.”
To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe.”
All my friends are like, ‘Can you be on my side in the zombie apocalypse?’ and I’m like, ‘I got this.’
Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
I like my coffee like I like my women..sealed in an air tight bag in the freezer.
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
I’m not ugly, I’m visually challenging!
Officer to a man fishing at the park: “You are fined $20 for fishing in a restricted area.”
Man: “Who said that I was fishing? I just put my worm to swim.
Officer: “Then the fine is $50 for swimming without a bathing suite.
The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald.